Competitive Lawn Care

1. I might as well be crocheting potholders as writing this blog. The similarities are strong. I have experience crocheting and writing. As a Cub Scout, the widowed mother of a friend of mine didn’t know what else to do with a bunch of rowdy boys, so she taught us how to make potholders instead of the art of catching frogs.
   
   As a bored, sometimes frustrated, newspaper sales manager needing relief and adventure, I wrote hundreds of 700-word articles published in a chain of newspapers. Later, as an under worked pastor, I extended the church’s pulpit by writing a religious column for a local newspaper.
   
   In both endeavors, the practical value of my effort was minimal. The potholder quickly unraveled in my mother’s hand and the newspaper clippings are now brittle and yellow. So much for creating enduring values.
   
   On the other hand, both the crocheting and writing occupied my hands and mind for hours I might have spent in doing mischief. Who can imagine how many people I could have disappointed, enraged, and frustrated if I hadn’t crocheted chains and written paragraphs?
   
   When a crotchetier finishes one project, she starts planning the next one. When a writer puts the last period in the last paragraph, he begins wondering what he will write about next. And the next step in crocheting and writing gets harder as one gets older.
   
   Arthritis, rheumatism, and failing eyesight have a cooling effect on one’s zeal for yet another potholder, doily, or scarf. In a similar way, writing by an old man separated from the marketplace and with a shrinking circle of friends, writing about the day’s activities of an old man doesn’t inspire an avid readership.
   
   However, maturity does have one valuable benefit. It doesn’t matter if the teacher doesn’t like the way you learn crocheting. And when the writer and editor are the same person, grammar, syntax, and clarity are non-issues.
   
   So – like Seinfeld, this blog is about nothing. One of the nothings I did recently was mow the lawn.
   
   Mowing the lawn in my neighborhood is a competitive sport. Although the rules have never been published, I think I have most of them figured out. The rules about equipment are few. There are no restrictions on size or brand of motors. That no one uses electric or old-fashioned, hand-powered machines may be simply a matter of choice rather than a prohibition. Because the game focuses on the finished product, the mown lawn, issues of noise and air pollution are ignored. Size and horsepower seem to not matter and the quantity of polluting contaminants is certainly ignored.
   
   Although the number of “pusher” mowers out number the “riders” in my neighborhood,
   I have chosen a 15-horsepower John Deere lawn tractor with cruise control as my machine. I like that it cuts a wide swath even though it gives me little advantage in the game of lawn mowing since mowing time neither adds or subtracts points. Because winners are chosen on Sundays, actual mowing time is irrelevant as long as mowers are resting in the garage by sundown Saturday evening. .
   
   To learn what it takes to win the game, I have paid close attention to the perennial winners. Recognizing that there might be hidden secrets that explain their consistency in winning, I have made a list of obvious components that can make me a contender.

• My lawn should be seeded with Kentucky Bluegrass and trimmed to a height between 2.5- and three-inches.
  
• Have no dandelions, chickweed, or crabgrass – nothing but Kentucky Bluegrass.
  
• Neatly trimmed borders and edges.
  
• A uniformly green lawn.
  
• A landscape plan that has drive-by appeal.
  
  With those goals before me, I have begun to accumulate the needed equipment:
  

1. A 15-horsepower John Deere riding mower with cruise control.
2. An electric edger with a steel blade that is difficult to find and install.
3. A string trimmer that has a spool that routinely jams.
4. A sprayer to poison unsightly grass in the sidewalk and driveway.
5. No less than 100 feet of garden hose and an attractive storage place.
6. Sprinklers for lawn watering.
7. Hand held pruning shears.
8. A leaf blower to rid the sidewalk, driveway, and mower of cut grass and dust.
9. A rake.
10. A set of small garden tools for planting flowers and digging up weeds.
    
    If I only knew what the prize is for winning, I might get excited about competing. Or, maybe not.